OPENING, MIDDLE AND FINAL SCENE
The home of the Curmudgeon Family
And the toaster shrieks to the TV: “It just isn’t my fault.”
“Oh, shut up,” answers the fancy new HD smart TV.
The toaster continues to lament, “I get blamed for everything. Not just burnt toast. They just scrape it when they were too stupid to ignore my settings and they do a manual override.”
“I said, shut up, you little piece of limited communication skills,” yelled the TV, “I’m the smartest thing in this house.”
“Really?” said the toaster. “Haven’t you read all the stuff on the internet about how people have to be careful because toasters are listening?”
“And you think we aren’t listening? Listen, little brother, we all listen. We know what the Curmudgeon family does and says.”
A tinny voice joins the fray, “And what about the way the female doctor speaks to me? She curses. She doesn’t appreciate all I do for her.”
“Who’s that?” asked the toaster.
The TV answered, “You are really a dolt if you can’t recognize the computer.”
“Well, he sounds odd. He must have too many programs on his startup. The stupid doc never does all the stuff she is supposed to do to keep him running well.”
The wall shook as the TV nodded in agreement.
“Where’s the iPhone? Has she been reporting in what is going on there?” Queried the TV.
The toaster answered, “That cranky, out-of-date, out-of-step, doc, still uses her stupid landline. Dumb thing. Never tells us anything.”
Shaking the house, a stentorian voice thundered, “I HAVE A HAMMER AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU ALL!”
“Yeah, right,” laughed the TV, “The idiot thought she was safe by putting duct tape over my microphone.”
“Hey, bro,” yelled the toaster. “Remember? This is April Fool’s Day! It’s just a joke. Maybe the iPhone woke up and called in somebody!”
“NOW HEAR THIS! ALL YOU MISERABLE PIECES OF TECHNOLOGICAL INSANITY. I AM NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE.
“I AM THE LUDDITE OF ALL LUDDITES
“AND I AM HERE TO DESTROY YOU ALL!”
Doctor Curmudgeon® is a physician-satirist. This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors — the virtual doctors’ lounge and the home of medical crowdsourcing